Day 5 - Wednesday, October 1

8PM

I never really understood the idea of a director and his crew taking their clothes off to make the participants in a love scene more comfortable. If I were disrobing for the camera, I can't say that catching the director's junk in my peripheral vision would make me less self-conscious.

We were scheduled to start shooting scenes at Michael's house (as Nikki's apartment) tonight at 5 before an emergency unrelated to the film delayed us. The lost time only adds to the major challenge of the night, the scene where Nikki and Alice first sleep together. Since the audience will likely be anticipating this scene from the start, I'd imagined it as a big, cathartic release for both the characters and the viewers - first the fucking, then we can get to the lovemaking. I'm not after Shortbus-style explicitness or Briellat-esque kinkiness; the important things, to me, are the immediacy of the scene and finding ways to translate the characters' emotions into action (the same as any other scene, except with lying-down kisses). Also, hopefully, it'll be sexy, and in Michael's very cold house, after a late shoot the night before, and with three hours lost, I don't think any of us are feeling very sexy.

First, a few quick scenes of Nikki alone, then we get in Jess' car to shoot a scene of Alice giving an inebriated Nikki a ride home. Jess' shocks are badly worn, and I can't find a way to stabilize the camera. Even if we stopped to make a camera mount, the sound would drown out their dialogue,, and we've already established the car. So we end up filming the scene with Alice pulling up at Nikki's apartment - Jess and Bella are both great, but I'm disappointed that we couldn't shoot it with the lights of passing cars hitting their faces. In retrospect, I wish I'd just planned for the poor man's process in the first place. We get the scene, but I'm feeling even less sexy.

We do observe the tradition of the director having a drink with his actors (I get that one). We start to talk about the scene, what is important and what we will or won't do or show. I can tell Jess and Bella are both a bit frustrated with my evasive answers to their questions - when they ask me to tell them what to do, I turn it back around to "How would Nikki and Alice do this?" The thing is, I'm trying to create an uncertainty in my actors that will, I hope, translate to the pleasurable awkwardness of the first time two people fool around. To say too much would be like talking during sex (literally, in this case).

"The different between hardcore and softcore," Bella says, "Is that with softcore, you're not really feeling anything. It's hard not to just go through - "

Jess, calm and smiling, interjects. "I'm not going to have sex with you."

It's more obvious than ever how close Bella and Jess are to their characters. I think of ways to play their differences in background and experience off each other. As our talk proceeds to blocking, we realize that there are no grounded outlets in the bedroom. Luckily, Bella has worklights in her studio and offers to get them. As we wait, Michael, Jess and I sprawl on the bed, waiting.

"It's pretty simple," Michael says. "Bella just wants you to block out what to do at different moments."

"But I don't want to do what she expects. I want to push her out of her comfort zone!"

Michael laughs at this.

"Sorry," I say. "I just want this scene to be honest."

"It's okay," Jess tells me. "I trust you."

"Thanks, I know. I just want to get this right."

Jess smiles at me. "You need to get out of your head."

Bella returns with the lights. "Alright," I say, "Let's give it a try." And while I won't get into too much detail (you'll have to see the movie for that), I have two observations about shooting sex. The first is that Home Depot work lights can give a sex scene a palpably dirty quality that far more expensive Lowell lights can't match. The second is that shooting a sex scene is fun - I can't recall another scene in the shoot where we laughed as hard or as frequently (the sight of Michael, half-asleep and wearing only his skivvies as he held a light, certainly helped). Around 4am, shooting gave way to beers and conversation, and I feel like if we finish at 4 in the morning and people want to hang around and chat, something is definitely working.

It's too late to make the drive back to North Adams, so Michael offers Jess and I the bed to crash in. It's been years since I've shared a bed with a friend, and I feel like I'm 16 and on a sleepover. Later Bella will refer to the shoot as feeling like summer camp, which I agree with, except I hated summer camp, and I don't want the shoot to end.