Day 6 - Thursday, October 2

12PM

The cast is exhausted, so we've rearranged the schedule for today, leaving us with just a few short scenes before we break until Tuesday (as was always planned). The early afternoon is spent on a few Jess-only scenes, including a brief scene of Alice crying by herself. For all my nervousness over filming a sex scene, crying is much worse. During the sex scene, everyone was laughing and relaxed; for this scene, Jess has to access some very real pain to make it work, and it's hard to watch. It's strange, when I want to comfort your crying friend, to fight that instinct, call "action" and try to stay out of the way. I don't cry very often, and whenever I've had to cry for a play, it's a struggle for me; Jess is so effortless and unguarded that she makes this seem like the easiest task in the world.

After Jess heads back to Salem for the weekend, I return to the MCLA radio station for another shot at the DJs scene. Michael has quickly found two friends to replace the Cougar and the Woodman, and despite the very short notice, they're far more prepared and professional. And even though they're barely out of high school, they're much more serious and respectful of Bella than guys thirty years older. Bella and the DJs play off each other well, and we finish the scene fairly quickly. I go home and promptly have an anxiety attack.

While the break was much-needed for everyone else, I would have preferred to shoot through the weekend. During the shoot I didn't have the time to question my choices, now I'm questioning everything. I wonder if I've underlit when I should have overlit, if I went handheld when I should have gone with the tripod, if I should have shot on the PD150 instead of the DVX100B. A few years ago, after a screening of The Wild Blue Yonder, I watched Werner Herzog take questions from the audience. It was clear they weren't crazy about the movie, and Herzog had his own questions about whether the film communicated specific ideas. The moderator joked that we were being given the unique opportunity to change Herzog's movie, to which he replied, "No, if all of you didn't like my movie, I would find a different audience." I imagine that kind of confidence can only be found with experience, and since I don't have any, I can only rely on instinct. This is why first-time directors who talk about what kind of director they are can be insufferable - I don't know yet! The next day I look at the footage, and I'm relieved. It's the movie I've been imagining for a year. And now, an unbearable four days of waiting - Fosse was right, to be on the wire is life - and then on to Club Castaway.